Tess

Wicked Wanda

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Tess

I try to be good. I so want to please my dad. I watch his every move and follow him like his shadow.

But I am part border collie and I do have red hair. And sometimes my bad self just takes over. That’s why people call me Wicked Wanda or Wanda for short.

Frieda, the elderly golden retriever, is spending her summer vacation with us. I am trying very hard to be nice to her because Ash wants me to.

But Frieda is soooo annoying. Frieda is the THIRD deaf dog in the household. Jack, Nellie and Frieda have formed their own little band and conveniently pretend not to hear any commands. Unlike me and Ash, they pretty much get to do what they want.

Yesterday Frieda discovered the groundhog toy. It had been missing for several months after the guest Labradors left it in the weeds. Mom found it and put it back in the toy box.

I guess Frieda can’t help that she’s a retriever and likes to carry stuff around in her mouth. Ever since she discovered the groundhog she constantly walks around the house making it talk.

I don’t know what real groundhogs say, but this one makes the most disgusting grunting sound. It’s something between a grouse and a pig. Ash finds it intriguing. I can’t stand it.

Last night I had enough of the groundhog and Frieda. I gave her the stink eye and she moved away from me. Just as I suspected. The old retriever could be easily moved by my devil eye.

When no one was looking I crept up on her and put my head over her neck. She knew instantly not to mess with me. Glorious silence fell on the room as Frieda was afraid to take a step or squeak the stupid groundhog.

With a slow deep growl I encouraged her to drop the offending object. I was just about to take the groundhog away from her when mom saw what was happening. Damn!

“On the couch, Wanda!” mom barked at me. Not so fast, I thought. I would get on the couch when I had the groundhog.

My hesitation allowed Frieda to scoot off with the hideous toy in her mouth. I showed my disdain by ignoring the command. By now mom and dad were both after me. I gave them the stink eye and continued glaring at Frieda. She left the room dejected but taking the groundhog with her.

Just then the old mop Nellie staggered in the room. Nellie has trouble walking upright after a nap. She wobbles like a hard boiled egg on a counter top.

While Mom steadied Nellie I made one last pass at Frieda. I raised my tail like a sword and stood over her. Of course the weak kneed Frieda dropped the grunting groundhog and scurried off like a wounded beetle.

Bad choice. Just as I grabbed the groundhog to take to my spot on the couch, mom caught me from behind. “Oh no you don’t!” she said. “Bad behavior won’t get you what you want in this house.”

I was scolded severely and made to go through all my stupid pet tricks. The groundhog was placed in quarantine. Ha! At least Frieda can’t have it either. Mom gave me her worst stink eye until I looked away.

Then goodie two shoes Asher sauntered in the room. That silly boy can do no wrong. Mom thinks he is mister perfect. Poor Ash. He knew there was trouble in the pack but he didn’t know why. He’d been out running the fence line and missed the whole sorry episode.

I flopped myself on the couch and turned my back on everyone. Ash settled in for his weekly brushing. Nellie tripped and fell into mom’s lap where she was sitting on the floor. Jack slept through the whole thing. Frieda was no where to be seen.

I sank into a deep sleep dreaming of the day when I can destroy the groundhog. In the meantime I’ll have to work on my stink eye. That’s all for now. Respectfully, Tess.

 

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

4th of July

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Tess

Everybody loves a party and the 4th of July is a big party for the United States. Mom says it’s a day when people celebrate what’s good about being an American.

I’m as patriotic as the next mutt, even though my breed is named after Australia. I’m not sure how that happened, but I’m okay with it.

Tess is patriotic too. She’s really glad to live in a country where dogs are valued.

For Tess and thousands like her, the 4th of July is a time of terror. Tess is one of those unlucky dogs that’s scared of loud noises, and the 4th of July is all about loud.

When we lived in the city we were ten blocks away from a huge fireworks party. Thousands of people walked past our house to get to the fireworks. Sometimes they brought their own firecrackers and tossed them in our yard.

Codie was terrified by fireworks and thunder. When the popping started she’d shake like a leaf and drool. Then she’d go crazy. One time she heard a pop real close. She bolted right through the screen door and would have kept on going if mom hadn’t tackled her. After that we always left town and hid out in the mountains where people weren’t so crazy.

We know Tess was picked up as a stray on July 5th. We’re pretty sure she freaked out and ran off from her first family. That’s why we watch her so close this time of year.

Last night our idiot neighbors were shooting off really loud bangers. Tess started shaking and crawled up on mom’s head. We quick gave her some herbal stuff that helps her stay calm, but it was too late. Tess had already lost her mind. Mom held her tight and put her anxiety vest on but Tess was in her own kind of hell.

Tess finally squeezed herself under the bed and shook for hours. Even when the poppers stopped she wouldn’t come out. Tess is going for a ride in the truck today to get her out of the neighborhood. We put her on a leash in the truck so if she tries to bolt she can’t go anywhere.

I’m sure glad this big party will be over soon. It makes me sad to see Tess all freaked out and know so many other dogs are scared to death. And what about the birds and rabbits and the deer. They must wonder if the people have all gone nuts.

Lucky for me I’m not scared by loud noises. The fireworks make me mad but they don’t scare me. Jack and Nellie are deaf and can’t hear the fireworks so they’re fine.

Next time you want to toss a cherry bomb, think about some poor mutt hiding under a bed. Maybe there is some other way you could celebrate the 4th of July. It’s quiet now so I’m gonna run the fence with Tess. See ya!

Asher

Girlfriends

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Ash and Tess

This picture was taken right after Tess got her big haircut. I was checking out her girlie stuff to make sure she was okay. Thank goodness they didn’t shave her tail. She looked silly enough the way she was.

Apparently girlfriends don’t appreciate hearing about their bad haircuts. All I told Tess was she looked goofy with all her curls gone. I said from a distance she looked kinda butch.

I was just running my mouth. I didn’t mean any harm, but Tess got pretty mad at me and said she didn’t want to be my girlfriend anymore.

I was horrified. Just because I told her she was funny looking doesn’t mean I don’t love her. She went off in a huff and sat by dad. He kept telling her how pretty she was. Mom laughed. Tess didn’t look all that pretty, but she sure wouldn’t drop as much hair around the house this way.

Mom told me not to worry. She said Tess would get over her mad and everything would be okay. In the meantime I went looking for my other girlfriend.

That’s what mom calls my fuzzy binkie. When Tess won’t play with me I grab my binkie and drag it all over the house. Everybody knows not to mess with this girlfriend. I like her a lot. She never talks back, doesn’t snap at me, and always wants to play. Sometimes I take her to bed with me.

It’s good to have more than one girlfriend. You never know when your main squeeze is gonna stop talking to you. If you have a backup girlfriend at least you have somebody to play with.

Jack could use a girlfriend too. One time this old greyhound came to the house. She had been rescued from the racetrack and probably never had a boyfriend.

Jack made a fool of himself chasing after her and barking her up. Anyway, she wouldn’t pay any attention to Jack. It kinda hurt his feelings.

I offered Jack my backup girlfriend, but he wasn’t interested. Later that night Jack poured himself a scotch and moped around the house. Tess flirted with him to make him feel better, but it didn’t help.

The next day mom took Jack on a solo ride. He got to meet some women that mom knows. They made a fuss over him. He came home with a big smile on his face.

That’s what girlfriends can do for you. When they’re not mad at you they make you smile. Hey, here comes Tess. She wants to play with me! Gotta run.