Longings

February 11, 2011
By

Tess

Sometimes I feel nostalgic for a past I cannot remember. When you’ve been a stray like me your history gets lost.

Nobody knows my birthday. My current pack never knew me when I was a cute little fur ball. Nobody can tell stories about when I was a pup.

I envy Ash in that regard. He has a history. He has a birthday. He has a context about his life that Jack and I don’t have.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m really grateful that I got adopted. I could have spent months in the slammer like Jack. Or worse yet, my life could have been ended before I had a chance to live.

Sometimes when I am in a quiet mood, I think about what once was and what I no longer remember. Someone taught me to kiss before each meal. I religiously follow that instruction. It seems to delight everyone. But why? And who?

What was my name before I was renamed Tess? Who taught me house manners and where to do my business? Who taught me to shake for a treat? Who were my people. Do they miss me?

I have great anxiety about being abandoned. When Ash gets in the car he falls asleep. I pace back and forth worrying that I might be left somewhere and have to start all over again.

Each day is a new beginning. I grow in confidence and learn new things. I am grateful for the present, though I still long for what my past once held. I feel like I am not quite whole. I feel like a part of me is missing. I am in search of something I once knew but long ago forgot. I am in search of myself. Respectfully, Tess.

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