Wicked Wanda


I try to be good. I so want to please my dad. I watch his every move and follow him like his shadow.

But I am part border collie and I do have red hair. And sometimes my bad self just takes over. That’s why people call me Wicked Wanda or Wanda for short.

Frieda, the elderly golden retriever, is spending her summer vacation with us. I am trying very hard to be nice to her because Ash wants me to.

But Frieda is soooo annoying. Frieda is the THIRD deaf dog in the household. Jack, Nellie and Frieda have formed their own little band and conveniently pretend not to hear any commands. Unlike me and Ash, they pretty much get to do what they want.

Yesterday Frieda discovered the groundhog toy. It had been missing for several months after the guest Labradors left it in the weeds. Mom found it and put it back in the toy box.

I guess Frieda can’t help that she’s a retriever and likes to carry stuff around in her mouth. Ever since she discovered the groundhog she constantly walks around the house making it talk.

I don’t know what real groundhogs say, but this one makes the most disgusting grunting sound. It’s something between a grouse and a pig. Ash finds it intriguing. I can’t stand it.

Last night I had enough of the groundhog and Frieda. I gave her the stink eye and she moved away from me. Just as I suspected. The old retriever could be easily moved by my devil eye.

When no one was looking I crept up on her and put my head over her neck. She knew instantly not to mess with me. Glorious silence fell on the room as Frieda was afraid to take a step or squeak the stupid groundhog.

With a slow deep growl I encouraged her to drop the offending object. I was just about to take the groundhog away from her when mom saw what was happening. Damn!

“On the couch, Wanda!” mom barked at me. Not so fast, I thought. I would get on the couch when I had the groundhog.

My hesitation allowed Frieda to scoot off with the hideous toy in her mouth. I showed my disdain by ignoring the command. By now mom and dad were both after me. I gave them the stink eye and continued glaring at Frieda. She left the room dejected but taking the groundhog with her.

Just then the old mop Nellie staggered in the room. Nellie has trouble walking upright after a nap. She wobbles like a hard boiled egg on a counter top.

While Mom steadied Nellie I made one last pass at Frieda. I raised my tail like a sword and stood over her. Of course the weak kneed Frieda dropped the grunting groundhog and scurried off like a wounded beetle.

Bad choice. Just as I grabbed the groundhog to take to my spot on the couch, mom caught me from behind. “Oh no you don’t!” she said. “Bad behavior won’t get you what you want in this house.”

I was scolded severely and made to go through all my stupid pet tricks. The groundhog was placed in quarantine. Ha! At least Frieda can’t have it either. Mom gave me her worst stink eye until I looked away.

Then goodie two shoes Asher sauntered in the room. That silly boy can do no wrong. Mom thinks he is mister perfect. Poor Ash. He knew there was trouble in the pack but he didn’t know why. He’d been out running the fence line and missed the whole sorry episode.

I flopped myself on the couch and turned my back on everyone. Ash settled in for his weekly brushing. Nellie tripped and fell into mom’s lap where she was sitting on the floor. Jack slept through the whole thing. Frieda was no where to be seen.

I sank into a deep sleep dreaming of the day when I can destroy the groundhog. In the meantime I’ll have to work on my stink eye. That’s all for now. Respectfully, Tess.






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